C4's BIRTHDAY RUN REPORT Pouring rain, a bus full of steaming bodies, a soggy cake...and then, late in the night, a disturbing tale of how a new 'hash name' provides inflight entertainment. Well..er...yes...and here we go again. But this time I've been caught without notes because I didn't know I was still guest hash-scribe. So I'm going to 'wing' this report on C4's Birthday Run. Mind you, it's not the first time I've written a news report based on nothing but supposition, hear-say, gossip and a drunkard's recollection of events. The bus was chokka and we needed a taxi too. So it's fair to say it was bloody good turn out to help C4 celebrate his birthday. The circle was rained-out and had to be reconvened at the On On at Sheridan's. C4's birthday cake survived the downpour, but only just. C4 was joined by co-hare Dong Deposit Box for the walking trail. The birthday-boy certainly didn't waste any paper! There was only half a dozen or so on-markers. You got the impression he was making it up as he went along. The walk was in two parts. The first part was crap and the second just plain poo, although that section did offer a nice view. I forget the score, but I know it was too high! And that is taking into account the Vietnam Army put the kybosh on the Hares by refusing entry to part of the planned trails. Johnny Wanker set a tough running trail by most accounts. Seven and a half kilometres, including a trek through forest and a bloody big hill to sort out any front running bastards in the final stages. I think the run was scored by an Austrian virgin. Nice bloke, but over-generous. Austrians are clever people though. They've managed to convince the world that Hitler was German. There was another virgin, an Aussie sheila from the Gold Coast, at least I think so. Three visitors. Two from Red Deer Hash in Alberta, Canada who are on route to an international Hash in Java. Lucky bears. The other visitor, hash-name Dingo (maybe we're related) from Brisbane. Now fellow hashers, a story so bizarre that fiction would deny, but which truth has delivered. Helen McGregor, who is on her way back to Sydney, was 'named' in a special late-night ceremony, conducted by the Grand Mistress and her Religious Advisor and witnessed by Slippery When Wet and myself. Helen told us of a airline flight she once took, that involved a blanket, a boyfriend, a shocked passenger in the next seat and a wet-patch. It was a tale to tantilize and to tittilate. And I thought I was being risque having a wank on a flight from Perth to Auckland! What came out of Helen's tale was a name, agree upon by all present. From this day forth Helen McGregor will be known as Inflight Finger (12B). Airlines will be able to charge a premium for seats 12A and 12C on any flight she is on! On On. Dingo Dong
VIETNAM LIBERATION DAY RUN REPORT They came from Kuala Lumpur in numbers...not quite 101 of them, but they all had spots... and they attacked the Vietnam Liberation Day Run like a pack of whippets that had been drip-fed on go-juice. Saigon Hash had two dogs of its own,real ones of the four-legged kind. Plus a big wet pussy that came in his boots. I'll explain that one later. From the time the 22 Dalmations landed in HCMC they went at it hard....hard drinking, hard running...but more hard drinking to be honest. There was a special Friday night Hash in their honour, which by all reasonable and believable accounts turned into a pub crawl. Well played Dalmations. Sunday saw a combined Dalmation- Saigon Hash at beautiful Binh Duong and it was good to see us locals filling our bus to near-bursting. Again, I forgot to count, but it was standing and squatting-room only so I'm going for 40-plus or more Saigon Hashers. It was joint-Circle with co-Grand Masters. General Erection held up his end for Saigon Hash and Back Jack for the Dalmations. The Saigon Hash Vietnamese ladies did us proud again, organising the food for the Circle. There was plenty of it to help soak up the beer. Safe Sex and her crew should be running the country! I would certainly rather them running mine than the current broad we've got in Canberra. Fuckoffee and Safe Sex were the running Hares. Jackoff was called in to the Circle to score it. He called it a "pleasant run, long, hot and hard". A bit like a training session for a prison basketball team. Jackoff's score was -2. When adding the SDD, the Saigon Degree of Difficulty of 7, the final tally was +5. A very servicable effort. Walking Hare Juicy Chew must have really impressed Tiger Show, the Dalmation called in the score her work. He rated the walk +8. So add and SDD 7 and Juicy cops a wet and wild +15! Mind you, with a name like Tiger Show, the man may lose control from time to time. But he came over all innocent when I explained to him what "Tiger Show" in Bangkok means. Though there was a smile of recognition when I demonstrated what "Tiger Show" ladies do with billiard balls. And while we're talking about Thailand, Bar Dick from Bangkok (now tell me that is not a sex-tourist's hash name) was one of two non-Dalmation visitors. The other was Little Big Man from Ottawa who entertained us all with some great songs, one involving sex with dead people. I'm pretty sure I've never done that. A total of 12 virgins and Magician made six of them come. Magician a master virgin-wrangler. That man could pull virgins out of his arse. Come to think of it, he most probably does. It was good to see one of the virgins giving some good 'french' on the return bus trip, again in the form of "How I love her blow job lips". But the she is French and they supposedly invented oral sex. A great service to humanity, along with runny cheese and machines that chop heads off. Two new 'names'. Patrick the Pom will be forevermore known as Leaky Dick. He's in Saigon to help fix the leaking water pipe problem. Good luck with that! Mike the Canadian-Yank came in some sort of bovver-boy boots. But seeing as he was also wearing pants that his mother probably bought for him Mike has copped the hash-name Puss In Boots. There was a serious charge made against all male Dalmations. Littering, in the form a horse-cock sized condom, carelessly discarded, found by Safe Sex (who else). Nobody owned up to requiring anything so large and with light fading there was no chance to check. So all were found guilty. Thanks to the Dalmations for coming. Saigon Hashers are invited to come in their country. Can't wait! That's all for now. On On Dingo Dong
Dragon-slayers...sooth-sayers...nay-sayers (read whinging Poms)...but thankfully no leo-sayers ( that tosser with his ying-tong voice is safely ensconsed in Melbourne these days)... The Brits did Saigon Hash's St George's Day run a treat! A good turn out too considering it was the big long weekend in Vietnam. I reckon there were 30-plus, but I forgot to count so we'll go with that rubbery number. Gin and tonics aplenty, scones with jam and cream and to make it just like back in Blighty....some rain to dampen down the Circle, but at least it held off during the walk and the run. Previously, we had some dodgy scoring because of the 'Cairo calculation'. Well this time the scores were 'off the scale'! Running Hares Thong-Muncher and Apendadicktome were given a plus 8 for their effort by visting hasher Concrete Cock. Now when you add the 'Saigon degree of difficulty', usually +7, that rounds out to Plus 15! Something is wrong somewhere, unless there is something I'm not getting or I've completely cocked this up. Mind you, there was a degree of luck in all this because the run trail was through part of a military exercise area where tanks do their stuff. A good thing the Vietnamese Army takes long weekends off nowadays, figuring it's seen-off the Chinese, the French and the Yanks so it can afford to kick-back every so often. The Walking Hares, T3 and Creamy 2 Lips, scored extremely well too. The trail was shortish, but very well laid out with clever checks right along the way. Ms Hanh gave the walking report and was so 'jazzed' by it she gave a plus 7. Again, when adding the 'Saigon degree of difficulty', that comes out to Plus 14! It should be noted, however that Ms Hanh was in a bit of a state in the Circle. She'd been riding backback on one of the steers (that's a castrated male for you city-slickers) that were hanging around. She seemed to position herself right over the steer's neck-hump thingie and she seemed to be enjoying it. Funny thing is, I had always figured her to be a very enthusiastic bare-back-rough-rider! She seems to like it on the ice too. Polar Bear! Only one returnee for the St George's Day hash. But Concrete Cock from Can Tho can drink as much as ten good men and true. A couple of visitors. Song Man from Ha Noi certainly lives up to his hash-name. Some great renditions of old hash numbers and some he seemed to adlib, both very good and much appreciated. Some weird Pommy, with weirder shoes, who goes by the name Missionary Position (mother-hash is Bali) sailed into Saigon on a bloody big boat. Forty-nine metres (162 feet to imperial measurers) of luxury crusing yacht which he helps crew. The bastard could have invited us all back for an On On. Nobody can trash a luxury cruiser like Hashers! There were two virgins. Creamy 2 Lips made her friend come. Some sort of 'woman love' thing was muttered but not followed up on. Pity. Cotton Ball Smoker from Taiwan brought her countryman Dexter along who seemed to enjoy the 'crack', or he may have given half a chance in fading light. Either way he seemed to enjoy the day and he was certainly good fun to have around. 'Festive' is how I would describe his socially-enthusiastic approach to life. We hope to see both 'ex-virgins' back very soon. Back and bangin'! And on the subject of banging, what do you call a 14 year old virgin from Montana, USA? Answer: A girl whose brothers are gay! There was a rousing send-off for Alexis, the girl from Montana, who is now to be known as Comes With A Bang. She's going to be an officer in the US Army. Following her naming and drenching in the Circle she showed what a good sport she is by giving everyone of the bus home some great 'french' ….the song thing, not the long thing. You know, "how I love her..." We all wish her well back in the States. There could have been some great photos, but Hash-Flash Juicy Chew apparently lost her camera on the reckie. Anyone with any good pix could perhaps email them to Headmistress who will be back next Sunday. That's all from me for now. Rule Britannia, marmalade and jam, five chinese crackers up your arsehole...bang bang bang bang bang! Dingo Dong
ANZAC RUN 22/04/2012 Bronzed Aussies and an Oily Dicked countryman, a lost Kiwi and Mummies' Boys coming and going...and coming again. High drama on the Anzac Day run at Dong Nai! A good turn-out to commemorate Australia and New Zealand's most important national day. Thirty five hashers all up. For those not from the Great South Lands, Anzac Day is all about honouring our war-dead and the servicemen and servicewomen who fought in the various wars. There quite a few wars, too many to mention. Suffice it to say that Aussies have been battling away since the Boer War! If there is a stoush on then chances are Australia will get involved. New Zealand is more discerning, read sensible. The "high drama" started when Kiwi girl Sheep Sub got lost somewhere on the run trail. They say she got lost in the 'wet patch'. Motorbikes had to be borrowed so a 'search squad' could hit the trails. Fortunately, they found their girl in 40 minutes or so. She sure picked the wrong run to get lost on, her 100th Saigon Hash. So bouquets and brick-bats for Sheep Sub. Mind you the running Hare, Paddy Fag may have to shoulder some of the responsibility and blame. Paddy Fag spent most of the bus trip out to Dong Nai trying making what was supposed to be some sort of map. It didn't inspire confidence and it turned out that the lack of confidence in his mapping skills was well founded and well placed. A score of -6 for Paddy Fag's effort and an icing. But that is pretty good considering he's more Irish than Aussie...or is it the other way round? No such drama for 'ankle chain Aussie' Lick My Bean, the walking Hare. Apart from a wrong turn, caused by myself resulting in an aborted attempt to climb onto a smouldering mountain of garbage, the walk trail was a winner. Seng Seng was so impressed that he gave it a +5. However they calculate differently in Cairo and when it was re-calculated into 'local currency' and rounded off to the nearest figure, the score was -1. Iced anyway, regardless of the number. Two virgins turned up, one from Austria (the place next to Germany, where Hitler came from) and one Vietnamese. Both did well on the walk, despite both coming dressed in thongs. The Vietnamese lady had thongs on her feet. The Austrian lady had just one thong, but not on her feet. Both were a bit slow when called on to drink it down, promoting a call from someone in the circle that they must "learn to swallow or leave this fair country". They have promised to practice hard this week. A couple of visitors added to the good cheer. Slippery When Wet from Phuket Hash and some sort of spy from Ha Noi. He goes by the name Can-Can or something similar, but he didn't say what it is he does-does, apart from drink heavily. It's an Irish thing. It was a day for Mummies' Boys, coming and going. Apendadiktome returned after six weeks to resume duties as Religious Adviser. His mummy gave him a leave pass, apparently. Iced for that, including a wet crotch courtesy of Safe Sex. Shut The Fuck Up got his usually icing plus one to go on with. He's off back to Blighty to see mummy and go on summer hols with her. What a good little boy is young Tommy. We'll miss him...I think. Another Aussie was honoured with a hash-name. Terry, now to be known as Oily Dick, completed his 10th Saigon hash. Oily Dick was the least offensive of the names put forward. But that can change mate! All in all, another great day out with Saigon Hash. That's it from me for now. On On. Dingo Dong
Report for Run No. 1,127 (or thereabouts). After a short bus ride to Long An, we all enthusiastically jumped of the bus only to find out Jackoff was the hare (and Stray Pussy). It must have been about 2.15 pm and burning hot. We soon learnt that Jackoff was off to a wedding (not his own) and the run was going to be short; less than 5k. And it was the old bugger’s birthday!! Well, the run was short, hot and sticky. This suited Shithouse but Ballcock was obviously looking for more. Somehow the run got minus 5 and the walk was positive something. It seems everyone liked the walk, which was about the same length as the run. Jackoff then did his thing in the middle. There were a lot of virgins; six of the beauties had come with Floppy Dick. Well done FD. And quite a few Returnees: Floppy Dick was looking more prosperous and obviously enjoying Sydney’s business lunches; Overdrive looked a bit shagged out; one guy had come back looking for his wife and got his dog instead, and Seng Seng had been doing something in Cairo!! Shut-the-Fuck-Up was straight on the ice for private partying, and not with his dentist. Next, Shithouse rightly charged that he could only record Jackoff for half a hare set; which was a “first”. Shut-the-Fuck-Up was charged for wearing a HHH tee shirt; that’s a first. And then he drank water; and not many people have seen STFU drinking water in the circle before!! Then all the Vietnamese got called into the middle (so many girls) because a Vietnamese guy has bought a town in the US. Then the charges moved more to romance. Pussy Problem and Pussy Solution told their intimate story how they bonded on the HHH. Hard Nipples said he doesn’t need any more. Shut-the-Fuck-Up confided (to the circle) that he used to have a problem keeping women happy; with some good dental work that should all change. The next charge was for facial hair; including Shithouse and Overdrive. Next: A big accolade for our hash hero, Comes in Style; running in a typhoon. And of course, a Happy Birthday song for Jackoff; 25 today. Hash Mistress said the next run is on an island.